Riding the T without a seat is like being in the 1st circle of Hell. You can't do anything; you can't read a book, the paper, anything. All you can do is stare off into space, think of somewhere better you could be and wish you didn't have to catch the T to and from work just to have the privilege of some dirty bastard sneeze all over you.
So here's five ways you can pretty much guarantee a seat on the t. Some may be a little... Unorthodox, but hey, short of roundhouse kicking some one off a seat, what are you going to do?
1.
The
IPhone has a great free "fart" application. There are even 14 to
choose from. Simply find your seat, turn around, point and press the button.
They'll move soon.
2.
Actually
fart on them. Extra points for having a burrito the night before.
3.
If
you have a cold (and at this time of year, who doesn't) blow your nose has loud
as you can near the seat you want. Try and get some to escape the tissue. Show
it to the person in the seat, saying "check how green this is! Have you
seen anything this green before?" bonus points if you rub the tissue on
them.
4.
Rub
yourself on the person and moan suggestively. Bonus points if you do 4 and 1 at
the same time. Extra bonus points if you do 4, 1 and 2.
5. Before you're about to board the train and the train hasn't arrived yet, stand where the T's doors usually stop and start talking to yourself (about all the cats you have, how your going to bury your spouse tonight in the backyard, how babies taste great blended, or picked up from the bottom of the pool, how you check out 4chan. etc) you'll definitely be the first person on that train.
Sure, people will stare at you, and they might call you crazy, but they're just jealous you have a seat.
So sit
down, breathe in that just sat down (or just farted) air, and enjoy your seat!
